Before Forgiveness: Riding the Emotional Waves

Introduction:

When we talk about forgiveness, we often picture the end result: peace, reconciliation, or emotional release. It’s the spiritual or moral ideal many strive for. But what gets skipped over far too often is everything that comes before forgiveness. And let’s be honest—what comes before is often messy, uncomfortable, and deeply emotional.

I want to share my perspective. It’s not based on hard data or clinical studies (though it resonates with many psychological principles); it’s based on observation, experience, and conversations—both personal and professional. I believe many people focus so heavily on the act of forgiveness because the emotional terrain leading up to it is too uncomfortable to stay in for long. But if you skip that part, the forgiveness may never truly take root.

The Emotional Buildup Before Forgiveness

Whether you are the one doing the forgiving or the one seeking forgiveness, there’s a wave of emotions that often precedes that “forgive and release” moment. And riding that wave is essential.

Before forgiveness, there may be:

• Hurt from betrayal, disappointment, or neglect
• Anger about what was done or not done
• Confusion about how someone you cared for could hurt you
• Shame if you were the one who caused harm
• Fear of being vulnerable again or repeating patterns
• Grief over what was lost, broken, or changed

Each of these emotions has a purpose. They’re signposts telling us that something mattered—our boundaries, our trust, our dignity, or our connection to someone.

Why Do People Rush Forgiveness?

In many cases, people want to rush to forgiveness. And their reasons are not always wrong, but they can be emotionally bypassing:

• Avoidance of emotional pain: Let’s face it—sitting in grief, rage, or guilt is hard. Forgiveness seems like a shortcut out.
• Religious or spiritual pressure: Many traditions emphasize forgiveness as a virtue, but that can create pressure to forgive even before you’ve emotionally processed what happened.
• Desire for peace or stability: Some people just want to get out of the emotional rollercoaster and reach that steady, calm place.
• Fear of confrontation or conflict: Especially for people-pleasers or those with trauma histories, rushing to forgive may be a way to avoid tension.
  
  

But here’s the truth: You can’t get to authentic forgiveness without going through the feelings first.

The Cost of Skipping the Process

When forgiveness is rushed, it can lead to:

• Resentment brewing under the surface
• Performative healing that looks good outwardly but doesn’t feel good inwardly
• Repeated patterns because the wound was never really acknowledged
• Emotional burnout from carrying pain that never got to be processed

This is what I call false forgiveness. It sounds noble. It may check the “healing” box on paper. But it lacks depth and doesn’t produce the kind of transformation that real healing requires.

What True Forgiveness Requires

Here’s what I believe needs to happen before true forgiveness can occur:

1. Feeling Your Feelings

There’s no shortcut here. Cry, rage, journal, scream into a pillow, go to therapy—whatever it takes. You have to move through the emotions, not around them.

2. Naming What Happened

Before you can forgive, you must be clear about what needs forgiveness. This includes acknowledging the facts and how it made you feel. You can’t forgive what you refuse to face.

3. Thinking Through Your Thoughts

What meaning did you make of the event? What did it confirm about yourself, others, or the world? Challenge any distorted thinking or stories that keep you stuck.

4. Coping and Rebuilding

Coping doesn’t just mean “surviving” the emotional storm. It means rebuilding a sense of safety, agency, and self-trust. Whether through boundaries, support systems, or new insight, this step is where healing roots start to grow.

5. Choosing to Forgive (or Not)

Yes—forgiveness is a choice. And it may not always lead to reconciliation. But when it’s chosen after emotional work, it feels authentic. It feels like release, not performance.

Boundaries During and After Forgiveness

Let’s talk about something that rarely gets discussed in the forgiveness conversation: boundaries. Forgiveness doesn’t mean granting someone unlimited access to your life. It doesn’t mean pretending the hurt never happened. And it definitely doesn’t mean abandoning your self-protection for the sake of peace.

During the forgiveness process, boundaries might look like:

• Taking space to process without pressure to “talk it out” immediately
• Limiting communication if the person continues to cause harm
• Asking others not to push or force you to forgive before you’re ready
  
  

After forgiveness, boundaries might include:

• Rebuilding the relationship slowly, with clear expectations
• Saying “I forgive you, but I need distance”
• Choosing not to reconcile at all, even if forgiveness has occurred internally
• Re-establishing trust based on consistent behavior, not words alone

Forgiveness does not erase the right to say, “That hurt me, and I won’t allow it again.” In fact, healthy forgiveness often strengthens your ability to advocate for yourself. It honors both your 

heart and your healing.

Forgiveness Doesn’t Mean They Belong in Your Life

Let’s get one thing straight: forgiveness does not mean reconciliation. You can forgive someone and still choose not to have a relationship with them. That choice doesn’t make you petty, cold, or unforgiving—it makes you honest about what you need in order to be emotionally and mentally safe.

Sometimes, people equate forgiveness with offering full access back into your life. But the truth is, you can forgive someone and still close the door. You can wish someone well and still keep your distance. You can let go of the pain without inviting more of it.

Forgiveness is about freeing yourself—not freeing the other person from the consequences of their actions. And sometimes the consequence is: “You no longer get to have a front-row seat in my life.”

This isn’t bitterness. It’s boundaries. And it’s one of the most empowering and compassionate decisions you can make for yourself.

Coping Through the Difficulty of Forgiving Someone

Forgiveness can be one of the hardest emotional acts we attempt. Here are some ways to support yourself through the process:

🧠 Therapy or Counseling

Talking to a therapist can help you untangle your emotions, identify patterns, and figure out what you actually need in order to forgive (or move on without forgiving).

📝 Journaling

Write a letter to the person (you don’t have to send it). Or journal your feelings about what happened, what you’ve learned, and what still hurts.

🎧 Meditation or Mindfulness

Staying grounded in the present moment helps prevent emotional spirals and keeps you centered when big feelings resurface.

📚 Read Stories of Forgiveness

Sometimes, hearing how others have navigated forgiveness can help normalize your own slow or difficult process. It also reminds you that you’re not alone.

🛑 Give Yourself Permission to Pause

You don’t have to have it all figured out. You don’t have to forgive by a certain date. Healing is not a race. Take breaks when needed.

💬 Lean on Your Support System

Talk to friends or family who won’t rush you, minimize your pain, or guilt you into forgiving. You deserve compassionate support, not pressure.

Final Thoughts

Forgiveness isn’t always fast. It isn’t always easy. And it certainly isn’t always linear. But it is possible—when we stop rushing to the end and give ourselves permission to wade through the middle.

You don’t have to fake peace just to look like you’ve healed. Real healing honors the pain, sits with it, learns from it, and then slowly, gently, lets go.

So next time someone says, “Just forgive and move on,” remember: moving on without processing isn’t healing. It’s suppression. And you deserve better than that.

And remember this too: forgiveness is for your freedom—not for their reentry.

April Sawyer, LPC, NCC, CAMT, ADHD-CCSP